a year ago
I decided this is the year I have to forgive you. Not just in mouth service but with hard, hard work.
I decided for my own sanity, my emotional health, and for the wellbeing of those closest to me, I have to evict you from the crevices of my mind where you have been residing rent free.
For years, I have harbored a not so secret anger towards you, an emotional resentment on national holidays when you fell short. I have blamed all of my mistakes and shortcomings on your shortcomings but finally realized there is only so much blame I can place on someone outside of myself.
I can’t take back the years I wasted, the healing bruises from the times you fell on me from the pedestal I placed you on, the tear soaked pillows I’ve had to replace come morning.
I can take the bitterness out of my heart and voice when I think and speak of you. I can justify the silences we will have because you are not good for me. Although I am not sure what our new relationship will look like, I feel freer from the expectations I placed on what I thought it should look like.
I can reconcile the fact I love you even if I don’t always like you. And that is okay because its not about you anymore.
Its about the future I am holding in my hands right at this moment that needs me whole, happy, and healed.