a year ago
Warning: Emotional Trigger Warning
On Sunday, I sat in church and when the pastor pulled up the verse "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. (Matthew 7:7), for a moment I stopped breathing.
This was the exact verse I whispered to myself throughout the entire ride as we rushed to the hospital last year.
Last summer, I had a miscarriage and to say I was devastated would be an understatement. My heart was literally broken, not just by the loss of my unborn baby, but by what I thought was God’s betrayal to me. I whispered the verse the entire time we rushed to the hospital and I believed in my heart this baby would be saved. Even as we stared at the empty uterus on the ultrasound, I hoped against all hope. I refused to acknowledge an alternate scenario and the rest unfolded like a scene out of a bad movie.
Telling my mother about my loss was like yanking a stitch out of barely closed wound. The hurt and disappointment in her voice was palpable over the line. She had been waiting for this child for almost five years and in that moment, I knew I failed her.
It took a while to forgive myself and stop pinning God to my timetable because now I understood it wasn’t meant to be. As much as I wanted and loved that baby, they were not for this world. But to be in such a helpless position was, and still is, scary.
When we found out I was pregnant again, I was filled with a rush of emotions: fear, anxiety, and trepidation. I tried to stay detached, to protect my fragile heart from shattering again. I held my secret fast to my heart thinking it would be easier for everyone. Every week that passed and I was still pregnant, I barely gave myself a chance to hope. The first time I saw our bundle of joy on the ultrasound, my heart immediately melted and I could no longer deny what was happening. I was growing a tiny human.
Sure, I can obsess over every pain and comb through the community boards looking for answers. I can also email and call my Ob-Gyn every day but I also rejoice every time I am one week further along. Every backache, hip pain, and headache is only a reminder of what is to come. As annoying as pregnancy has been, it is truly a miracle of what the body can do. And I am grateful to be on this journey.