And this one is called Frustration…

I have been struggling with finding the words but I’m going to keep trying.
Recently we celebrated four years of marriage and although we have our growing pains, I feel we are maturing and learning together. One area that seems to remain in shambles is with family.
I struggle with juggling two families because even though we are at the epicenter, they are still very much separated.  Holidays are a delicate tightrope act and I always fall off the edge trying to please everyone.
Recently I was home for a funeral and a relative’s words cut me to the core, “Basically everyone in the family thinks you are in the wrong.”
It didn’t matter what I thought or what I was doing—it was never going to be enough.
I’m not perfect—God knows I am certainly a work in progress but there has be points for trying, right?
I have been in a whirlwind of feelings ever since and have launched a self induced media tour to rehab my pariah image. I hate speaking on the telephone and I have been trying to call family members just to show that I heard them.
I have been stressed trying to figure out how to juggle my increasingly busy schedule with upcoming holidays even as I am painfully aware I am only one person.
On a good day, I am firm in my approach that I only have one life to live and I can’t spend it trying to please everybody. I cuddle with my husband or relax in my apartment reminding myself the phone has both incoming and outgoing abilities.
On bad days, I hear the critical voices of family in my head and am reminded on the daily of how truly awful a daughter/friend/sister I am. I pretend I am Super Stretch and bend myself in a million different directions if only to make one person happy.
It’s not a way to live, especially when I am the only one trying.

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2 Responses to And this one is called Frustration…

  1. Lashuntrice says:

    Don’t stress over all of that. I used to be just like that. Family members were always telling me how I wasn’t talking to them, mad at me for trying harder to be around a dad that didn’t want me around, constantly reminding me to call every time they saw me but its true. The phone does work both ways. While they are saying these things with you around, you’re the last thing on their minds. Don’ t make them the top priority. Live.

    • Thank you Lashuntrice. You are absolutely right, I need to stop stressing over people who are not even thinking about me. My husband has said this as well and for some reason because its family, its hard for me to get over it.

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