I almost gave myself a mild panic attack over absolutely nothing.
I am a perpetual people pleaser and yesterday it reached new levels.
After a conversation that pretty much ruined my evening, I slept fitfully. I woke up exhausted with a persistent knot in the pit of my stomach. The familiar feeling of dread draped over my shoulders like an unwanted hand.
It refused to budge even after I arrived in my office and prayed silently.
I felt sick all day. The knot remained but was now accompanied with lightheartedness and nausea. I was literally sick to my stomach.
I wanted to talk about it. I wanted someone to tell me what do, tell me that I was not a bad person for wanting something for me.
I prayed several times and squeezed my eyes shut as I waited for Him to respond to me. I know it doesn’t work that way but I held my breath, hoping I would hear the still small voice.
I tweeted about it and was instantly provided encouragement. I emailed a friend and her words made me feel less psychotic.
I wanted to speak to my husband about it but didn’t want to be seen as weak. I am a strong woman, I danced to Beyonce’s Grown Woman at my 30th birthday party.
That should mean something.
I didn’t feel strong. I felt like a child trying to avoid being chastised, seeing that disappointed look.
Saying no is hard but this visceral reaction my body spit out is not OK.
I don’t care about your disappointment, I care about my well-being.